As a child, I went through the life changing events of divorce. At the time I was 10 years of age which was an awkward age. I wasn't too young to not understand what a divorce was but I also wasn't old enough to comprehend exactly why my parents made this decision. I had a lot of anger and resentment over this decision which most children do. It was a very confusing stage in my life. As the years passed, I didn't recognize that I was living with anxiety. As I look back at those years I can now pinpoint and say to myself "That building feeling in my stomach and feeling like I couldn't breath.. that was anxiety". It wasn't everyday but it happened often. Fast forward to when I had my daughter Josephine, I was 21 years old and unmarried but with my now husband. After her birth, I developed post partum depression while also dealing with anxiety. At first I wasn't recognizing what was happening to my mental health. I isolated myself away from friends because none of them had children and I would tell myself that they wouldn't understand what I was going through. I lived in a new town and didn't know many people. My now husband and I were struggling with having balance in our life since we had a home that needed extensive renovations while he worked full-time additional to the farm he owns and raising our newborn. With everything he was dealing with I felt like he wasn't someone I could confide in. Finally, I did decide to confide in a family member and told her I felt depressed and that something wasn't right. She told me, "Kendra, You are just tired. Having a newborn isn't easy.".
I remember hearing those words and the weight of them build on my shoulders. Was I just tired? Perhaps I was being overdramatic. It wasn't until I sat with my health care nurse Michelle during a routine baby checkup and they had me fill out a form. The questions were aimed at post partum depression. I remember filling out the form and lying on all the questions. Hearing the words of that family member and reminding myself that I was just tired. Michelle waited for my husband to take our daughter out and while we were alone she asked me quietly, "Kendra, your answers are borderline with post partum. Did you maybe not answer some of these truthfully?"
I looked at Michelle and started to feel the tears. I told her I did lie and that I felt like it was wrong of me to have these feelings. I was feeling ashamed that here I have a healthy baby, a providing partner, a roof over my head and yet I felt like I had this darkness around me. Luckily this nurse showed me compassion and gave me the support I needed. She shared the medical resources with me and urged me to open up to my partner. This was what I needed. Someone to help encourage me and give me the push to be open. After that visit, I did end up opening up to my partner and we worked through it. However, although I was able to move past the post-partum depression I still had anxiety.
My anxiety for me is this feeling that my heart starts beating fast and that it's about to burst through my chest. Sometimes it feels like I have all these butterflies in my stomach that flutter ferociously. I could be in a room of 20 people or 5 people and have that feeling. This anxiety I have learnt how to function with. I do have the rare occasions where it gets so bad that I rock myself back and forth, sometimes I cry and sometimes I just go through the million of thoughts that race through my head. At times I've clenched my hands so tight that my nails dig into my palm but it's given me a sense of being grounded.
The thing with anxiety in my life is that I have learnt how to be self aware and to recognize what is happening to myself mentally. I have learnt how to adjust and to reassure myself that it's okay if I am 5 minutes late to an event or that if I'm overwhelmed that I don't have to attend everything we are invited to. If I need someone to vent to than I have those supports in place. I have also learnt that it's okay to be open and not to be ashamed of what I am dealing with. It's taken many years for me to get to this point and to share with others that this is what I am dealing with. I will admit that at one point my doctor had tried to prescribe me a medication but I chose that I wanted to learn how to deal with my anxiety with a natural approach. Now, this isn't me saying that that is a right choice for everyone and there is no shame in taking medication IF it is prescribed for you from a medical professional. I'm just sharing my journey and path I have chosen to take. I will elaborate more on ways that I cope with my anxiety in a later blog.
If you or someone you know has or is struggling with post partum depression and/or anxiety, be there for them or seek someone to be your shoulder you can lean on. It is a difficult journey but you are not alone. We all need to rely on each other.
"Your not going to master the rest of your life in one day. Just Relax.
Master the day. Then just keep doing that everyday. "
-From a Healthyplace.com
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