The last few weeks have been difficult on my anxiety. With it being just me and the kids at home (the husband has been working long days for spring work at the farm).. no school.. no play dates.. no breaks.. my patience has been slim. I feel guilty saying this out loud however it has been my daily routine. My triggers have been the things my children say to me.
Yesterday, my daughter came to the table for dinner .. looked me straight in the eyes and said, "This wasn't what I ordered mom". I could not believe my ears. My jaw had literally dropped. My anxiety felt like an arrow shot from my stomach and up towards the sky. In that instance I snapped and told her to eat the food and that this isn't a restaurant but my inside thoughts had a few F Bombs included. That restraint not to include profanity takes so much work.
Today, I came out of the bedroom and walked into my kitchen with no expectation to walk into little papers cut up all over the floor. The culprit? My son had taken the scissors and wanted to just cut while my husband watched. My husbands response to my reaction, " I was going to make Noah clean it up." 2 Hours later.. still not done but my husband did leave for work so now that's my responsibility to get Noah to be accountable. I would normally leave it for my husband to battle with him over however during spring work he barely sees the kids that I deal with the issues more. I'm dreading the fight that I know will ensue. My three year old has the personality of a bull. If he doesn't want to do it he digs those heals in and gears up with his horns in tact. *Update: I have asked him and my prediction held strong. He told me he wasn't going to clean it up and it's still on the floor. He has also expressed how he hates me.*
This homeschooling business... don't even get me started on how hard that is. I hear the complaints that I am not doing it the same way the teacher does it or that it's too hard to have to think of how to try and spell the work "eight". That inner anxiety voice is screaming on the inside, "Trust me, I wish you were at school being taught by your teacher too but I can't just drop you off at the door as much as I wish I could. That would be child abandonment." I can't imagine how all the other moms and dads are getting along with their children. I sometimes tell myself I have nothing to complain about since I only have one child to teach and there are families who have more children than me with the same issues but then again I believe that my problem shouldn't be no greater or no smaller than anyone else's. We all need to be there and support each other regardless.
With these instances and so many others in the last few weeks I know that there is much more to me than just being a homemaker but my anxiety sometimes allows me to forget that thought more often than I'd like to admit to. Eventually, my children will grow older and start to have different problems than learning how to be have proper manners or to clean up a paper mess. I try to remind myself that this is for a short while and that I should try to look at the bright side of things... but man that bright side sure is hard to see in the distance.
Just remember to be there for your friends and family. Be mindful if they are struggling with their mental health and that sometimes.. truthfully, we just want to hear we aren't alone in our feelings. That recognition and acceptance means a lot. Till next time lovelies.
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