I want to start off with expressing that I am well aware of the benefits of breast feeding and that it can be a very magical and loving experience for many. I by no means am downplaying it however there is the side of breast feeding that I had experienced where it was exhausting, stressful, overwhelming and it had brought me to a very low state mentally. This is my challenging experience with breastfeeding.
The First Sign of Trouble
I thought breast feeding was going to come naturally to me and that it wouldn't be a problem. Never had I expected it to be difficult. At the beginning, the latch was successful and everything seemed to be fine. Then it changed. At 2 1/2 months my daughter started screaming for 2 - 3 hours every night with no consoling her. I was told it was colic and that there was nothing to worry about. This is "normal". That was the first clue something wasn't right.
Confirmation I "Failed"
We went to the doctor for her check up where we were told she was losing weight and not gaining. This was concerning and they said we'd have to come back in 4 days to get her rechecked because they needed to confirm if she is losing weight. That weekend my husband and I had pre-planned to go to the mountains for a ski trip for 24 hours. I had pre-pumped breast milk for weeks and bought a tin of formula as a "back-up" with the nursing bottles that are similar to the breast. As soon as we had returned to our daughter and I needed to feed her.. I went to give her the breast and she started to scream and cry. I didn't understand what had happened. Surely that short time period wasn't enough for her to just want the bottle.
It wasn't until the visit at the doctors that I had learnt that I wasn't producing enough breast milk and that my daughter had discovered the bottle filled her stomach the way I couldn't. The feelings that crept in from this new information was overwhelming. I felt like I failed as a mother.
We went home and tried to encourage both the breast and the bottle but I can't describe how it feels when your husband has your baby and is bringing her sideways towards you for a feeding and as soon as she gets close to the nipple and starts to scream.. you just want to sob at the feeling of rejection.
Our Parenting Choice
My husband was trying to encourage and support me to continue trying to breast feed but I ended up breaking down and ending that chapter. I couldn't continue feeling the way I was and it was becoming damaging to me in so many ways. We had than chose to just switch to formula and I only had a hand pump so I just decided to call it quits because when I was hand pumping I realized just how little was coming out. I could barely get 1/2 an ounce between both. This was the case early on too but I thought it was normal that after a feeding I'd get very little breast milk out of the pump. At this point we were formula only.
The Judgement
We had told our family about what happened and why we switched to formula. Most were very supportive and accepting however there was a few people who got very aggressive about their disapproval of me "quitting". They had told me if I really cared about breast feeding I wouldn't have gave up or I would have continued pumping. They then would tell me that they knew other people in a similar situation and that they didn't quit. I don't know why I allowed this person to say these things to me. At the time I was yearning for their approval for personal reasons but it really hurt to hear them say the things I was feeling out loud. Eventually, I began to avoid that person because I couldn't take it anymore. All those comments led me to speaking with my local healthcare nurse about my feelings of failure and she gave me the encouragement that I needed in order to stop being depressed about a choice I needed to make for the health of my child. That nurse saved me. My post partum was reaching a peak with this incident and I don't know what would have happened if I didn't feel that support and encouragement from her.
My Second Child
After everything I went through with my first child.. I was more aware with my second. I had done research on vitamins to help with the supply, what not to eat and what to eat. After 3 months however my supply did the same thing it did the first time and I ended up switching to formula at that point. I was more confident in myself and my choices the second time round and didn't seek anyone's approval of my decisions. I looked at the positive of him getting 3 months of breast milk rather than beat myself up over the switch. I wish I would have explored the lactation consultant route but the series of events that unfolded at that time didn't allow me that opportunity.
Overall
At the end of the day we all have to make sacrifices and choices that benefit our family, children and most importantly ourselves. The reality is that breastfeeding was very challenging and difficult for me. I do see the benefits of it but at the end of the day I only share with people my experience rather than express my personal opinions on the matter. I've seen friends who struggle, thrive and just choose not to do it. That's ok. We all need to do what's best for us as moms and that's what really matters. That and of course the health of a child but whether that be from breast milk or from formula what does it matter if the child is growing and happy.
Have you struggled with breastfeeding? Do you have techniques that perhaps worked for you to increase your supply?
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